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Posted: 1 year ago
And yet I have no trouble believing that the start of the 2016 election was several decades ago.
Posted: 1 year ago
"Crowdsourced steering" doesn't sound quite as appealing as "self driving."
Posted: 1 year ago
Contains the active ingredients from all competing cold medicines, plus the medicines for headaches, arthritis, insomnia, indigestion, and more, because who wants THOSE things?
Posted: 1 year ago
They always try to explain that they're called 'solar physicists', but the reporters interrupt with "NEVER MIND THAT, TELL US WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE SUN!"
Posted: 1 year ago
I tried converting the prices into pizzas, to put it in more familiar terms, and it just became a hard-to-think-about number of pizzas.
Posted: 1 year ago
Since the current Twitter threadfall kicked off in early 2016, we can expect it to continue until the mid 2060s when the next Interval begins.
Posted: 1 year ago
Tag yourself, I'm "frayed."
Posted: 1 year ago
And I can't believe some places still use fax machines. The electrical signals waste so much time going AROUND the Earth when neutrino beams can go straight through!
Posted: 1 year ago
I always figured you should never bring a gun to a gun fight because then you'll be part of a gun fight.
Posted: 1 year ago
We understand your privacy concerns; be assured that our phones will never store or transmit images of your face.
Posted: 1 year ago
'Which one?' 'I dunno, it's your house. Just check each object.' 'Check it for *what*?' 'Whether it looks like it might have touched a paper towel at some point and then forgotten to let go.' '...' 'You can also Google to learn how to check which things are using which resources.' 'You know, I'll just leave the towel there and try again tomorrow.'
Posted: 1 year ago
The third row will probably have to wait until 2034, and maybe longer. If I see a daytime supernova, I'll replace the meteor storm with that and consider it 3/3.
Posted: 1 year ago
Over the years I've decided I'd rather have them on than not, but I'm glad there aren't "has opened a blank note to compose a reply to you" notifications.
Posted: 1 year ago
I'm in talks with Netflix to produce an alternate-universe crime drama about the world where sliced bread was never re-legalized, but it's going slowly because they keep changing their phone numbers and the door lock codes at their headquarters.
Posted: 1 year ago
Our new video ad campaign has our product's name shouted in the first 500 milliseconds, so we can reach the people in adjacent rooms while the viewer is still turning down the volume.

A dietitian is addressing an audience in the Sholem Retirement Home. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago.
“Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with...

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Posted: 1 year ago
Someday, some big historical event will happen during the DST changeover, and all the tick-tock articles chronicling how it unfolded will have to include a really annoying explanation next to their timelines.
Posted: 1 year ago
What if what *I* see as blue, *you* see as a slightly different blue because you're using Chrome instead of Firefox and despite a decade of messing with profiles we STILL can't get this right somehow.
Posted: 1 year ago
The joke will be on him in a few weeks when animal control shows up and takes custody of his Roomba.
Posted: 1 year ago
Posted: 1 year ago
I watched from a beautiful nature reserve in central Missouri, and it was--without exaggeration--the coolest thing I've ever seen.



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